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#1 27 August 2003 - 04:48 AM User offline   ADCJordan Icon (Operatives)

I've been avoiding the Xenith poetry boards for various reasons, but I'm going to try again. Here's a poem I wrote about two minutes ago. Give me real criticism, i.e., not "I like that a lot, keep it up" or "I dunno, I didn't get it". Honestly, I appreciate it if you enjoy the poem, but just saying that doesn't help me with anything. Just try to back up whatever you say with a reason. Please.

Anyway, here's the actual poem.

***

El Oso

The way the night seems to hold on
in a hairy black hug, it seems like
him, El Oso.

The darkness writhing dramatically,
like a bear, listening to music to ignore
his self-hatred, music writhing with, teeming like
shaggy brown hair. His music
twisting through the broke dreams, spent dreams,
wrapping around his finger
for him to pick his eye and wipe his nose.

Dad called him
El Oso, in that dark way
that fathers and sons have.

The night, dark, scraggly,
shaded with the intelligent
pokes that shows the loneliness
of fathers and sons. El Oso seems like the night. El Oso,
Dad called him
El Oso.

***

#2 27 August 2003 - 11:36 AM User offline   ThePaintedMirror Icon (Full Members)

I found this intriguing. But on this line:

"twisting through the broke dreams, spent dreams,"

I don't feel that you need the "spent dreams" part. I think it can do better without it.

and here:

"his self-hatred, music writhing with, teeming like"

I don't think you need the "music writhing with".

The ending though is perfect. Lovely.

#3 27 August 2003 - 11:35 PM User offline   Sulthana Icon (Veterans)

yanno i like ur style, but what does el oso mean? If i knew maybe I could give better critique...I speak french and all. 
Little people rule, without us, cuteness this world would surely lack.

#4 28 August 2003 - 01:39 AM User offline   ADCJordan Icon (Operatives)

It's actually Spanish. It means "the bear".

#5 28 August 2003 - 11:51 AM User offline   pixiebaby_16 Icon (Full Members)

Hurray for the Spanish!! I can speak Spanish!=)
The whole poem is good, it's got a very dramatic and intriguing tone to it. Somehow you've managed to take something that's rather ordinary and make it seem extraordinary. Not a lot of people can do that!! I don't think that I like the line about "for him to pick his eye and wipe his nose." The very beginning of it is good, but for some reason, I just don't really see where the end part fits in. Maybe it's just me. Who knows? But, this was an awesome poem, so keep it up! Did I give you enough of a critique for you to disregard my keep it up line?=) I couldn't find all that much wrong with it!=)
Oh-the writhing dramatically-that seems a little awkward to me for some reason. I think that just in the parallel you're trying to draw between the dark and the bear, i can't really see a bear writhing dramatically. Perhaps I read the line wrong.

#6 28 August 2003 - 07:12 PM User offline   Sulthana Icon (Veterans)

intelligent pokes? At first glance i was like...pretty cool but...now I think el oso is over used, and...hhmm what else, I would elaborate on this whole father son thing, it seems a bit outta place and random. Yanno?

the last stanza is weird as well. I dunno I dont' think I like this piece as much now that i probe at it. Is the bear supposed to be ametaphor for the nite? or...Im just so confused, what's going on here? lol I'm sorry to give such a bad ass review but that's seriously how I feel. 
Little people rule, without us, cuteness this world would surely lack.
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