my restless leg syndrome’s got to stop some day. i keep dialing my mom at the middle of the night to complain. “stop compartmentalizing,” she says. everybody’s a critic.

each morning i resist a dickish wakeup tirade at my roommates re: dishes in the sink. i am, through practice, learning patience. there were three trash bags lined up outside our sliding glass door, then there weren’t. i’m hoping, through body language, to communicate to them- to the whole world- that i was the actor in the previous sentence.

witness the grandeur of my power as i move the garbage, three bags at a time. and my patience, my delicate-picking-upness, when i pick up without breaking the wet soggy paper bags my roommates so unwisely packed with heavy glass bottles.

they don’t rip open on the way towards the dumpster. i’m going to be a father to warriors.

but none of that’s what i’m proudest of. or most proud of. i don’t care about that. i do that in my sleep. i do that with my hands tied around my back. i am very often tired during the day because of these bizarre sleeping habits, which makes the following accomplishment even more impressive.

i’m staying up until midnight. with you. make some popcorn. you’ll hear a knock. it’ll be my astral projection, which can somehow affect the physical world in such a way that it can knock. we’ll watch some jerry springer online, making fun of it and pausing it every time it takes one of those too-fast turns and exposes the zipper on its back: the jerry springer show might behave like an enabling fiction for poor white unemployed people, but what it really is is a scheme! it’s trying to make you go to the bank for a thirty thousand dollar loan so you can give all the money to a strip-mall tech institute so maybe you can get a job to buy your way out of debt!

scout’s honor, dude, it’s true. i’ll even show you. make the popcorn. i’ll take out the trash. when springer’s over, i’ll get sucked back through the internet, blink out of existence like it does whenever you shut the laptop.

i keep having dreams where i’m batman. they’re awesome.