Photo by jeeheon[/add_caption_link]


do you ever have dreams you wake up in? no? join the rest of us who watch too much television, then. ok? get off your high horse. one day it might happen, you’ll have a dream like that. and that day, you know what’ll happen? i’m going to be there, laughing, telling you you’re not even the only person in the world that just happened to, not even the only postmodern-dream-virgin getting all psycho-sartre’d out for the very first time that night. then i’ll fly out the window like a fucking vampire, and then you’ll wake up for real.

ok?

ok, never mind. i’m sorry. i’m not going to do that. i’m going to garden in your dreams. you’ll wake up, and i’ll be there with my little rubber rain boots, they will be orange so you’ll know it’s really me. i’ll be pulling onions out of the dirt, because of the russian folk tale. we’ll eat nothing but vegetables for the rest of our lives. our teeth will fall out from scurvy and we won’t even care because it’s like we don’t even exist, it’s like we’re eating nothing but still being. you still are, i still am. we’re still am-ing, molars or no, and when your last one falls, i’ll say, “you know this whole thing has been a dream,” and you’ll say, “oh,” and i’ll say, “you know, dreaming your teeth are falling out means you’re insecure about how you look,” and then you’ll wake up.

fine, look, if you want an apology, i’m just edgy because i’ve almost finished with college and i’m so afraid of death i’ve been growing my goatee for four more months than i ever intended to. actually, those are bullshit reasons. i’m sorry for wasting your time, that’s what i’m sorry about.

know what i learned all last month? patience and dementia: of equal sexiness. i think out of college you learn things slower, but you don’t forget them. things like: nobody cares what you think.

i meant that as a joke, i didn’t mean it personally. if it makes any difference, look: in your dreams, i will be your mother, flossing her teeth, talking to you. “are you flossing?” she’ll say, but she’ll secretly be me, but you won’t know. really, it’ll be me who’s worried about your flossing. which i am. i’m very worried that you’re not flossing. for all my faults, accept that i would show up in your dream as your mother if you’d listen to me about flossing your goddamned teeth. so they don’t fall out.