I stuck my arm in an automatic tattoo machine and it wouldn’t let go for almost three hours. it was so painful I had to take a break from things just to call my friend and tell him about it. (the beautiful thing about cell phones is: instant connection anywhere, which is also hideous and traumatic, but it’s pretty, don’t knock it).

I called my friend Marty. Marty was excited for me. he asked what tattoo I was getting. I said there’s no way of knowing, it just gives you a tattoo. Marty said, “You called just in time. I wanted to tell you about this iPhone app I just bought. it’s called iCan’t. it yells at you.” then I said, “Hang on, Marty, I’m bleeding,” and hung up.

I fidgeted with the tattoo machine for a while, then it let go of my arm, which was pretty much finished with bleeding. it spat my change at me and said, “fidget less next time.” I felt super bad about hanging up on Marty, so I called him back. I got his answering machine, which yelled at me, which I thought was unnecessary, but I hung up on him in the first place, so he had that right. he could’ve waived it, but no big deal. when his answering machine was done yelling at me, I said: “NO BIG DEAL,” then hung up on him again. I decided Marty was a big jerk and not to talk to him anymore.

having nothing to do for the rest of the day, I walked into CVS and noticed a line of pork pie hats that come packaged with cough syrup, pipe tobacco and a home hookworm removal kit. I had no use for the pipe tobacco because I don’t have a pipe, silly, but I could use the other stuff. and I could give the hat to somebody. as a present!

so I took out my cell phone again, I know, so handy, right? good investment, anyways, I looked for people I could call who would be grateful for a pork pie hat and came up empty. I decided I’d just trust that the universe would put a guy who wanted a pork pie hat in front of me on my walk back home. I was raised catholic. (that’s actually a lie.)

I didn’t find a person, which means deism is true or something. I guess I got desperate. the only thing that sort of made sense as a pork pie hat repository was a sign that said “AREN’T I BEAUTIFUL?” that nobody held. I hung the hat on a corner. it fell off. finally, I had a brother. I was moved to tears- so moved that I wanted to tear my tear ducts out and eat them.

(that’s another lie.)

it’s almost my birthday and I don’t know what to do next.